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I’ve developed a really crazy eye twitch recently.

I don’t know what it means.

It could be due to a variety of things…

I wonder if it’s anxiety of my upcoming surgery?

I’m afraid I’m going to die under the knife, and what scares me the most about that is that my cats will be left without me.

And no one can love them like me.

And when I think about this microscopically, I see how being alive can feel so real and so serious, but so does being dead.

If I die, my cats may die, and I would be miserable on the other side if I had to see them suffer because I wasn’t there for them.

Obviously, I can’t control this, but I have done the work to prepare for my death, just in case.

And I know what you might be thinking…

I talk about death a lot.

But that’s because I’m both afraid of it and looking forward to it.

I think it’ll be my greatest achievement.

But in all honesty, I truly think I died a long time ago, and  thus, I am a ghost.

If not that, then I feel like I’m watching a show.

Or maybe I’m creating the show?

They say we create our own reality.

I’m trying to create an extraordinary reality…

I can’t tell if it’s working.

Things are better than they were, but also worse in many ways.

So I can’t help but think if I am in heaven, why do I feel so dead inside?

Why don’t I thrive?

Maybe accepting our death takes a long time?

Maybe accepting all the good stuff in your vortex requires getting rid of all the stuff blocking you off?

The hidden stressors.
They weaken your vibe.

So letting go of the past is a process, that takes time.

That’s my guess anyway.
And it’s this idea that keeps me going…

I like knowing that eventually I will feel alive again.

And I’m hoping that this implant in my chest is the very thing making me feel like I’m dead….

Like I want to die.

And now more than ever, I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m not sure how to be someone who has fun, because I’m always in pain.

But one thing I can say is this pain has really forced me to practice self-soothing obsessively.

Because self-soothing is like pain relief.

But I need more than just self-soothing.

I need who I used to be before cancer treatment got me.

I need Her.

Without Her, I am nothing.

So perhaps this happened to me so I could realize that.

Realize what really matters…

And I’ve come to realize that the implant is simply to appease the ego.

The inner critic.

The covert narcissist we all live with.

That’s who told me I should get the implant.

So I did.

And it killed me…

Another version of myself – dead.

And she didn’t deserve to die the way she did.

So now the question is, who am I with one boob?

Will I look strange?

I’ve been trying to imagine how this will look and feel so I can be ready for it.

I hate that I care about this…

But I do care a little bit, because I know it’s going to be an adjustment.

And when I think about the details of life, and death, having nice breasts is not something that really matters in the end.

This is just surface stuff.

But when I think about the lines and shapes in life and love, surface stuff does matter to us.

So the lesson here is that there’s a time and place for nice breasts.

And while I always had nice breasts, they were too big for my liking.

But I held them well due to my intense strength training regimen.

So looking back, I confess, I took them for granted.

And I regret that now.

Maybe if I loved myself unconditionally back then, things would’ve been different.

Then I wouldn’t be stuck in this never-ending story.

I hate that I’m still telling this story.

It’s like the nightmare that won’t end.

And sometimes I wonder if I should just have a double mastectomy.

Then I’d be even.

But that doesn’t feel like a self-loving thing to do to my perfectly good boob.

But then I wonder…

What if she’s trying to kill me too?

What if she turns on me like the other one did?

So what if one day when I’m in a better place, having fun in life, BOOM, out of the blue, another cancer nightmare.

So why bother living then?

If we’re just going to die in the end?

I know what you’re thinking…

If I keep thinking like this, I’ll create that as my reality.

And that’s why I am trying to love myself unconditionally.

It’s not as easy as it sounds.

But the good news is, since I killed my fake selves, it’s getting lot easier to hear my Higher Self.

And I’ve asked Her to send me help with this next stage in my transformation.

Who am I becoming?

I dunno…

But I think the eye twitching is because I’m being exposed.

Artist Sarah Long

I AM. Alcohol Ink Artist. Mixed Media Queen.