I’m finding it really hard to understand the point of my existence lately.
If I’m not capable of executing on my plans to save the world, then what’s the point of me being here…huh?
That’s what I wanna know cuz at this point, I’m really wondering what it would be like to fade the fuck out.
And happy people think it’s so bad to talk about killing yourself.
They say, “don’t say that…”
“Don’t talk like that.”
They worry you might actually do it, and that would be a damn shame, huh?
And then they think, what a shame they took their own life away, if only they got help for the pain.
But the reality is, there is very little society does to help people get unstuck.
I know, cuz I’ve been looking and I’m spinning round and round in circles, only to sink deeper into my pit of misery and the social systems we pay for, don’t actually help you get to a good place.
And even if you had a lot of money, there still isn’t really a solution that ends the pain permanently.
And most people who like being alive, don’t realize how miserable life is when you’re always suffering in some way…
And sure, some people cause their own pain by doing nothing about it, but most people who kill themselves, they try really fucking hard, but nothing works, so eventually you give up ’cuz you realize there’s only one way out.
And it doesn’t matter what kinda pain we’re talking about…
Maybe it’s mental pain.
Maybe it’s emotional pain.
Maybe it’s physical pain.
Maybe it’s spiritual pain.
Regardless of the pain, it’s the Monster we live with 24/7 and depending on how many layers deep (HE) is, (HE) will influence the degree to which you’re willing to escape.
Some people escape through drugs…addicts, right?
Some people escape through sex and alcohol abuse, right?
Some people use chronic exercise and thrill-seeking, just to feel good…right?
Some people cut themselves over and over again with a knife, just to feel something else…
Maybe it’s the bleeding they like cuz it means they have to stop the blood, which is better than having to feel the feelings of not feeling good enough…right?
But…
I’ve learned time and time again, you can only escape the pain for so long before it catches up to you and takes you down for good, and you realize…
It will either kill you or you have to kill your self.
The choice
is yours.
And that’s where I’m at….
At a crossroads with my self.
I still feel stuck in my forest and I don’t know if I can escape…
I can’t figure out the root cause of my pain and I don’t know what to do differently…
Doctors push me away and I don’t have the money to pay for more than what I’m doing so I don’t know what to do next.
And I can’t take it much longer.
I really fucking can’t.
The pain is suffocating me and I don’t know how to get out alive unless I commit, self-inflicted homicide.
So I’m wondering….
Will you miss me?
Or will you like the new me?
